Traversing the Inner Terrain
The search for the Authentic Self.
The Victim Identity
The allergic reaction to personal responsibility means a difficult life.
The belief systems of the person with a Victim identity fall along these lines:
The Victim will definitely complain and even whine to others about how hard life is. But if anyone ever offers him some options for changing that life, the Victim classically comes back with a long list of "Yes, but's." If we ever have the heart and temerity to confront him with this fact, he is liable to begin to cry and tell us repeatedly that we just don't understand how hard it is for him. Life is just harder for him than others-he doesn't know why-but it is. He may attach all kinds of rationales for that statement, but the truth is that he must keep believing that life is hard, or it might just get a whole lot harder.
She will beg you to fix her life, then when you offer the fix, she'll either find a way to sabotage your fix or she'll complain that you did it all wrong, and what's the matter with you! OR, she'll refuse your fixes altogether. You'll be frustrated and try all the harder to get her to see she needs help or some solution to the problem and you'll stay hoping against hope that she'll get it.
Of course, the secondary gain for the Victim is in the fact that he can get people to stay and take care of him in just this way-for who could ever really leave the poor Victim without feeling terribly guilty. In this way, Victims often bully others into all kinds of care-giving, running the gamut from providing financially for poor Victim, to literally making all of his choices for him. The Victim typically knows exactly what buttons to push in others to get them to begin or continue to take care of him. Indeed, quite often the Bully identity lurches backward into his shadowed Victim identity, as a means of justifying his abuse of others.
An even more difficult consequence of living out the Victim identity is the fact that many Victims actually do attract Bullies as their partners. This is because the Bully is often looking for those of whom she can take advantage. But it is also because the Victim doesn't believe she will ever get anything or anyone better. This isn't, however, because the Victim feels she doesn't deserve better, it is because she must believe that life is hard or it will get a whole lot harder. This belief is the magical thinking that appears to her to have kept her alive all this time. Of course, it isn't the life force that she believes it is, but she can't see that, because to see that would mean taking responsibility for her own life and she must never, ever do that, for fear that things will get a whole lot harder.
It is usually quite difficult for the Victim to come to see that he is living out of the Victim identity instead of living from the Authentic Self, because there is shame attached to their efforts to manipulate and their history of failures. But if he can come to see it clearly and hear the messages it gives him, he can begin to recognize that this mask and costume was never real in the first place, and that there is someone within who is strong and capable and on whom he can rely.
- Life is really, really hard.
- Don't get up, you'll just get kicked back down again.
- Beware, always beware of trickery; it's around every corner.
- You can't trust anyone.
- I can't.
- You just don't understand how hard it is for me.
- Everyone is always picking on me.
- "They" are always bigger, badder and smarter than me.
The Victim will definitely complain and even whine to others about how hard life is. But if anyone ever offers him some options for changing that life, the Victim classically comes back with a long list of "Yes, but's." If we ever have the heart and temerity to confront him with this fact, he is liable to begin to cry and tell us repeatedly that we just don't understand how hard it is for him. Life is just harder for him than others-he doesn't know why-but it is. He may attach all kinds of rationales for that statement, but the truth is that he must keep believing that life is hard, or it might just get a whole lot harder.
She will beg you to fix her life, then when you offer the fix, she'll either find a way to sabotage your fix or she'll complain that you did it all wrong, and what's the matter with you! OR, she'll refuse your fixes altogether. You'll be frustrated and try all the harder to get her to see she needs help or some solution to the problem and you'll stay hoping against hope that she'll get it.
Of course, the secondary gain for the Victim is in the fact that he can get people to stay and take care of him in just this way-for who could ever really leave the poor Victim without feeling terribly guilty. In this way, Victims often bully others into all kinds of care-giving, running the gamut from providing financially for poor Victim, to literally making all of his choices for him. The Victim typically knows exactly what buttons to push in others to get them to begin or continue to take care of him. Indeed, quite often the Bully identity lurches backward into his shadowed Victim identity, as a means of justifying his abuse of others.
An even more difficult consequence of living out the Victim identity is the fact that many Victims actually do attract Bullies as their partners. This is because the Bully is often looking for those of whom she can take advantage. But it is also because the Victim doesn't believe she will ever get anything or anyone better. This isn't, however, because the Victim feels she doesn't deserve better, it is because she must believe that life is hard or it will get a whole lot harder. This belief is the magical thinking that appears to her to have kept her alive all this time. Of course, it isn't the life force that she believes it is, but she can't see that, because to see that would mean taking responsibility for her own life and she must never, ever do that, for fear that things will get a whole lot harder.
It is usually quite difficult for the Victim to come to see that he is living out of the Victim identity instead of living from the Authentic Self, because there is shame attached to their efforts to manipulate and their history of failures. But if he can come to see it clearly and hear the messages it gives him, he can begin to recognize that this mask and costume was never real in the first place, and that there is someone within who is strong and capable and on whom he can rely.
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