The Victim Identity by Andrea Mathews, L.P.C.

Traversing the Inner Terrain

The search for the Authentic Self.

by Andrea Mathews, L.P.C.

The Victim Identity

The allergic reaction to personal responsibility means a difficult life.

Published on February 24, 2011 by Andrea Mathews, L.P.C., PhD in Traversing the Inner Terrain

Many of us whine for a minute when things don't go our way. We need a little grief time, a little time to gather ourselves back together again, renegotiate our hopes and dreams more in alignment with reality, and then we're back in the saddle again. The time it takes for us to do that varies with each individual.  Many people feel a tad embarrassed when they whine this way because, well, it feels to us as if we are on the pity-pot. And, you know, maybe for a minute we are.  But really, don't we all just need to go there sometimes?

That temporary state of self-pity, however, is a drop in the bucket compared to what happens when we are dealing with someone with a full-blown Victim identity.  A person with a Victim identity is someone who has identified with whatever crises, traumas, illnesses or other difficulties have occurred in their lives, particularly those that began very early in life.  They did this as a survival technique. Better to go ahead and just realize that life is a long fight with City Hall that you always lose, than to get your hopes up that you just might win every now and then. Hopes can be smashed and a person can be devastated by such dashing. So, why not just avoid the whole mess altogether by just being a perpetual victim.

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The belief systems of the person with a Victim identity fall along these lines:

• Life is really, really hard.
• Don't get up, you'll just get kicked back down again.
• Beware, always beware of trickery; it's around every corner.
• You can't trust anyone.
• I can't.
• You just don't understand how hard it is for me.
• Everyone is always picking on me.
• "They" are always bigger, badder and smarter than me.

These belief systems are in place to protect the Victim from ever having to really engage life and hurdle its hurdles. Doing so is just plain too risky.  No, the best way to cope is to just stay on the down-side of life, and never, never, never expect more.
The Victim will definitely complain and even whine to others about how hard life is. But if anyone ever offers him some options for changing that life, the Victim classically comes back with a long list of "Yes, but's." If we ever have the heart and temerity to confront him with this fact, he is liable to begin to cry and tell us repeatedly that we just don't understand how hard it is for him. Life is just harder for him than others-he doesn't know why-but it is.  He may attach all kinds of rationales for that statement, but the truth is that he must keep believing that life is hard, or it might just get a whole lot harder.
She will beg you to fix her life, then when you offer the fix, she'll either find a way to sabotage your fix or she'll complain that you did it all wrong, and what's the matter with you! OR, she'll refuse your fixes altogether. You'll be frustrated and try all the harder to get her to see she needs help or some solution to the problem and you'll stay hoping against hope that she'll get it.
Of course, the secondary gain for the Victim is in the fact that he can get people to stay and take care of him in just this way-for who could ever really leave the poor Victim without feeling terribly guilty. In this way, Victims often bully others into all kinds of care-giving, running the gamut from providing financially for poor Victim, to literally making all of his choices for him.  The Victim typically knows exactly what buttons to push in others to get them to begin or continue to take care of him. Indeed, quite often the Bully identity lurches backward into his shadowed Victim identity, as a means of justifying his abuse of others.
An even more difficult consequence of living out the Victim identity is the fact that many Victims actually do attract Bullies as their partners. This is because the Bully is often looking for those of whom she can take advantage. But it is also because the Victim doesn't believe she will ever get anything or anyone better. This isn't, however, because the Victim feels she doesn't deserve better, it is because she must believe that life is hard or it will get a whole lot harder. This belief is the magical thinking that appears to her to have kept her alive all this time. Of course, it isn't the life force that she believes it is, but she can't see that, because to see that would mean taking responsibility for her own life and she must never, ever do that, for fear that things will get a whole lot harder.
It is usually quite difficult for the Victim to come to see that he is living out of the Victim identity instead of living from the Authentic Self, because there is shame attached to their efforts to manipulate and their history of failures. But if he can come to see it clearly and hear the messages it gives him, he can begin to recognize that this mask and costume was never real in the first place, and that there is someone within who is strong and capable and on whom he can rely.

Narcissistic Victim Syndrome

10/22/2012/195 Comments/in bullying, Dealing, emotional abuse, Fear, Narcissism, Narcissistic Victim Syndrome, NPD, Realtionship abuse, recognising emotional abuse, Stockholm Syndrome, surviving emotional abuse, Surviving the NPD, What is abuse? /by Jeni Mawter

A person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) displays patterns of deviant behaviour that can create carnage for those around them (spouse, children, parents, siblings, friends, colleagues, peers, etc). Narcissistic Victim Abuse is abuse that has been caused by someone with this personality disorder. The NPD is not often medically diagnosed, so that the narcissistic individual goes undetected in society (home, work-place, organizations, social settings) and the victim’s plight unrecognised.

A person with NPD has an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for attention and admiration, and a strong sense of entitlement. They believe they are superior and have little regard for the feelings of others. As a child, a healthy self-esteem (true self) did not develop in the narcissist so they built up defences to create a ‘false self’ in public. This is akin to wearing a public mask. Wearing the mask is not only emotionally exhausting, it also means that the narcissist is constantly on guard at being found out. They become overly sensitive to narcissistic injury which is any perceived threat (real or imagined) to the narcissist’s self-esteem or self-worth. In order to maintain their illusion and protect their ‘false self’ they seek narcissistic supply from unsuspecting victims.

The narcissist views people as objects which can feed their needs (known as ‘sources of narcissistic supply’). The narcissist will use any tactic, without guilt, empathy or conscience, to make sure they get their narcissistic supply and their needs are met. Narcissistic supply comes from public attention such as fame, celebrity, notoriety, or infamy or private attention such as admiration, flattery, acclaim, fear, or even repulsion. Regular bearers of narcissistic supply include the spouse, children, friends, colleagues, partners and clients. Anything that acts as a status symbol that attracts attention and admiration for the narcissist is narcissistic supply, for example, a flashy car, expensive property, designer clothes, being a member of a church, cult, club, or a business.

With an inflated sense of their own superiority, power and control, the narcissist renders themselves susceptible to all sorts of obsessions, compulsions, and addictions, for example, addiction to: narcissistic supply, grandiosity, control, power, rage, perfectionism, attention, fame etc. The devastating impact of these addictions on their significant others can result in Narcissistic Victim Syndrome. Most victims present with no idea about what has happened to them.

Narcissistic abuse is insidious because the abuse is covert, cunning and indirect. Narcissists go to great pains to avoid being observed publicly as being abusive. The Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde behaviour creates fear, distress, confusion, inner turmoil, and chaos for the victim. The constant ‘walking on eggshells’ and attempting to avoid further conflict can be crippling. To complicate matters a narcissist is rarely medically diagnosed and often goes undetected in society (home, work, organisations, and social settings).

For whatever the reason the victim entered the Dance of the Narcissist (a behaviour known as Co-Dependency) so that in the dance there was both: 1) a pleaser/fixer (victim) and; 2) a taker/controller (narcissist/addict).

Victims present when they feel like they can’t cope. They are unaware that they have been living or working in a war zone. No-one has mentioned Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) or narcissistic abuse to them. Victims of this narcissistic abuse often display a set, or cluster, of symptoms due to this physical, mental, emotional or spiritual abuse. In Narcissistic Victim Syndrome you are looking for a cluster of symptoms to emerge, many are the symptoms of trauma (avoidance behaviour, loss of interest, feeling detached, sense of a limited future, sleeping or eating difficulties, irritability, hyper-vigilance, easily startled, flashbacks, hopelessness, psychosomatic illnesses, self-harming, thoughts of suicide etc). Narcissistic abuse victims express feelings of humiliation and shame, and apt to self-blame. They have learned to take responsibility for the narcissist’s behaviour because they are constantly told the problem is their fault. Some victims develop Stockholm Syndrome and want to support, defend, and love the abuser despite what they have gone through.

Victims tend to ‘dissociate’ or detach from their emotions, body, or surroundings. Living in a war zone where all forms of power and control are used against you (intimidation; emotional, physical and mental abuse; isolation, economic abuse, sexual abuse, coercion, control etc), the threat of abuse is always present. Dissociation is an automatic coping mechanism against overwhelming stress.

Victims are often victimized by more than one person. They often internalize that something is wrong with them, that they deserve this kind of abuse, and then resign themselves to their fate. Victims may not have reached their potential in their personal or professional lives because they always have to stand in the shadow of their aggressor, and not upstage them. They learn to live in the shadows without knowing why.

Victims of narcissistic abuse often appear uncertain of themselves, constantly seeking clarification that they haven’t made a mistake or misheard something. Confidence may be so low that they have trouble making simple decisions. They will not be aware that this is caused by an abusive technique called ‘gaslighting’. Gaslighting is a technique of psychological abuse used by narcissists to instil confusion and anxiety in their victim to the point where they no longer trust their own memory, perception or judgment. With gaslighting, the victim initially notices that something happens that is odd, but they don’t believe it. This moves to defence as the victim fights against the manipulation. Confusion sets in after incessant comments such as: ‘You’re too sensitive’, ‘You’re crazy’, ‘You’re imagining things’ or ‘I never said that.’ Gradually, the victim cannot trust their own perceptions and doubt themselves. This often leads to depression. Broken and unable to trust themselves, they isolate themselves further. The victim now doubts everything about themselves, their thoughts and opinions, their ideas and ideals. They become co-dependent on the abuser for their reality.

Victims need validation and education about what has happened to them. They need information about the medical condition of Narcissistic Personality Disorder and its toxicity in relationships. They need education about how they have contributed to their situation through co-dependence. They need therapy to deal with symptoms. They will need support to remove themselves from their narcissistic relationship, and to not repeat the cycle of abuse in their next relationship. One of their greatest challenges may come from not being believed by significant others, either because these others have not seen the private face of the narcissist or because they themselves are in the narcissist’s thrall.

Tags: emotional abuse, Narcissism, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Victim Syndrome, NPD, recognising abusive behaviour, recognising emotional abuse, recovery,Relationship Abuse, Victim, Victim of NPD

There is a difference between "killing off a breed" and "allowing it to die out.

Drema Fowler via FOX 12 Oregon

November 25 at 1:57pm

LA village to implement ban on pit bulls, rottweilers

A Louisiana family is pleading with its village to overturn an ordinance that would take its pet pit bull.

KPTV.COM

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• Randy K. Malone likes this.
• 

  Lorie Lasalle Vilchez if the dogs so great and used for their handicapped kid get it registered as a service dog...they r using their disabled child to weigh on peoples sympathies....whats god for us is good for them.......like i said if the dog is such a help get it registered...

  November 25 at 2:33pm · Like · 4
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  Lorie Lasalle Vilchez theres to many that r great pets but suddenly turn killing an innocent person or animal...theres a first time everytime and innocents should not suffer....besides to many people would abuse this and keep gettin the monsters and sayin its a beloved pet.....all cities in every state need to ban them to kep our children/elder;y and pets safe..3 of every 5 will turn on a person or sverly maim /kill an animal...would u want them statistics/chances right next door to u...?let ur kids out to play wen there is a monster right next door!!!!!

  November 25 at 3:09pm · Like · 2
• 

  Jeff Borchardt This story has been bothering me all day....I am in absolute agreement with Liza Vespi on this one....This is horrible legislation...I would never condone a BSL bill that doesn't grandfather in the families that already own pit bulls to continue to enjoy their dog as long as there are no incidents...The proposed BSL bill that failed up here in Wisconsin was a good bill. Even though pit bulls were considered high risk dogs, (which they should be) citizens were still able to enjoy their dogs as long as they followed the rules. There is a difference between "killing off a breed" and "allowing it to die out."....If anyone would like a copy of this bill, message me.

  November 25 at 3:25pm · Edited · Like · 9
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  Jeff Borchardt Agreed Jeffrey Sloan. They were asking for it....I sent this story over to a few people to see if there were more to it...There is not....I think this family has every right to be pissed. Regardless on whether or not the dog is a "service" or "therapy" dog.

  November 25 at 3:29pm · Like · 3
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  Jeff Borchardt Message me if you would like a copy of the proposed BSL bill up here in Watertown, Wisconsin from last year.

  November 25 at 3:30pm · Like
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  Lorie Lasalle Vilchez exactally we used to walk out dogs everyday until the teen asses w 3 pits moved in..apparently its funny to watch the dogs chase people around and ac dont do nothin unless they witness it..the assholes would let them lose weekends bcause they knew ac was closed....so we started goin to the park(loadin up all our dogs wastin gas and time)to find more idiots who let their dogs off leash,not all pits but the problem is i wouldnt have to do tht if i could walk in my own neighborghood..one day i couldnt leave my porch because a piyt was loose growlin everytime i tried to get to my car..well i missed work before ac got there and the next day the old man down the street had the dog back!!!!!!!!!!! nobody should have to deal with the violent dgs and the ignorant people who seem to own them

  November 25 at 4:20pm · Like
• 

  Lorie Lasalle Vilchez Yes and I have 3 great Danes and a 13 ur old shepherd its extremely hard dragging my babies out every damb day where's their right to be safe or mine I pay my bills..these dogs r more dangerous...more deadly wen they do attack and more prone to violence than any other dog..so I just need to put my blinders on cause the neighbors say its friendly look how it is with my kids...ect..its proven over and over more than any other dog they r unpredictable... Other dogs can be too...but they bite and stop pits don't let go til Ur dead that's the difference..and they need to make one damb state for the pit butters if that's how it needs to be and the rest of the places ban the monsters let the idiot owners and their beasts all kill each other and let us innocents be in peace

  November 25 at 4:39pm · Like
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  Lorie Lasalle Vilchez exacta,ly ad chances r that damb dog wouldnt pass a service dog test anyways..just triin to prove to those idiots playin on the child and pet thing that there r legal ways for a child to keep a dog who she sooo depends on..lol

  November 26 at 4:53am · Like
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  Lorie Lasalle Vilchez no my town sucks , lots of ac officers has pitbulls, so they think of them as sweet friendly dogs! thy just keep giving warnings

  November 26 at 5:24am · Like · 1